Today I got a haircut. The way I keep my hair is pretty much the way every other twenty - something male in the Midwest wears it. As such, it should be a pretty easy task to trim it up. All they ever do is run the clippers up and down the sides and back and maybe even out the bangs. Pretty easy, right?

Well, the woman that cut my hair today took a chunk out of the hairline on my neck. There is a small, pretty much negligible but still noticeable bald chunk. When I looked at the back of my neck after the stylist was finished, she explained to me that my hairline actually exists with that chunk in it. It was a bad lie. I have seen the back of my neck enough times to know what the hell my hairline looks like. She made a mistake, and for whatever reason, she didnt want to admit to it. She instead decided to hand me that pathetic little story about the hairline on the back of my neck.

Whats more, I accepted it. I acted as if I never saw my hairline before and told her that everything looked fine. I went along with her lie in acordance with the non-confrontational staus quo of societal existence. I paid her, and tipped her a buck. I acted happy with her services and smiled telling her to have a nice day and that I would be back to se her in about a month. Well, that was a lie. I dont think I will be back there again.

Isnt it amazing when you think about it all the little lies we tell each other in day to day existence. We lie about the way we feel. We lie about what we want. We lie about how pleased we are when we are serviced in some sort of way. Everyday, trillions of little lies are being told by Americans all over the country. And anyone that doesnt play this game is labelled a bother or a boor. Just like that obnoxious ouple everyone sees in the restaurant that returns the food or causes a fuss because the cooks put tomato on the hamburger when it was specifically requested to be absent.

However, what is the alternative? What if I caused a ruckus and refused to pay? That doesnt make my haircut any better. What if we were all completely honest with each other in everything? Well, then society would begin to fail. A certain amount of what has been labelled, "professionalism" must exist in order for us to go about our daily routines in a relatively safe and operable manner. You know what I think this proves?

I think it proves that people, deep down, under the layer of "professionalism" the display to everyone, suck. They are selfish, hedonistic, mysogynists that are literally chained to whatever craving they have. Isnt professionalism just a blanket for the reality underneath it? Namely, "focused civil manipulation employed to achieve a self-gratifying goal." If you doubt this, look how quickly we all drop professionalism when it fails to work for us and choose the nasty, brutish, and short methods of anger, hostility, rage, and violence.

So, have fun this weekend when all ya'all get to leave the office for a couple days. Because come Monday, you'll be even more worthless as you assume your role as a "professional" once again and become another faceless fake like the rest of us.

Do you think its possible to lie to yourself so convincingly that you believe the lie? Is it a matter of passion, or is it a matter of time, or a mixture of both of these required to delude oneself into thinking the untrue? No one is a master more than I at extreme self-deception. I am a rational man. I am capable of logical argumentation. I am familiar with all of the informal and formal fallacies of thought and discourse. However, I refuse consistently to apply that scalpel to my own mind, preferring instead to use it on others.

Yes, of course this sounds like all that pop-psychology crap that people are so tired of hearing. I sound like I have made a very inconspicuous and anti-climactic discovery......people dont like serious introspection. Well, its a bittersweet discovery for me. Im not saying its earth shattering or groundbreaking or applying to it any other adjective you may find on the nightly news. Its bittersweet. I admitted much to myself today that I was not willing to admit before. Now, I am scared because it has lead me down a new road and taken me to a new city.....hell a new god damned country for Christsake. A foreign land where no one speaks my language and everyone drives on the "wrong" side of the road.

And in this perhaps I am completely boring. Yeah, I think thats the case. Im boring and normal because I, like everyone else, am scared of what is deep within me, hidden for so long and now newly revealed. But, how am I to make any progress if I first do not make myself vulnerable? Sure, I am affiable and perhaps sometimes witty on the exterior. I am only using contrived smiles, practiced gestures, and sarcasm to cover up the seriously fucked up things in my head that have been incessantly trying to break down the walls of my ego so that they can too be exposed. Hey, its alright. Just like the production team of a play wants thier names on the bill, my inner secrets now want thiers. Damn if its not about time they have had it.

Now you may be thinking--and this assumes anyone is actually reading this, "Hey, thats great. Honesty with yourself and others for once...but you are using vague sweeping terms and not being too specific." To that I say, you're right. You are totally right. This is personal. Its for me. I share with you the general blueprint but the nature of the wiring and plumbing is my knowledge alone. Be satisfied with that, and you make great headway when dealing with me. It shows patience, willingness, and desire to know more. Ultimately, doesnt everyone want someone else to be interested in them?

However, I am getting ahead of myself here. What is important is the signifigance of this event, where the hole in my ego's wall was made, and the pent up things came pouring out. Its scary. It feels strange and maybe even good. I dont know. I havent been in this place before. I have yet to decide. But I do know it is undeniable progress, and no one needs serious progress more than I.

For the last three or so weeks, I have been doing something very uncharacteristic for me. I have been waking up in the morning, and saying out loud, "fuck." Literally, its the first thing that comes to my mind. Another day is here. Another shitty god damned day where I have no one I can count on and no one counts on me.
I have never in my life so badly wanted to just go to sleep one night and not have to wake up. I dont want to dream, I dont want to say goodbye to anyone, I dont want any of that crap. I want to just to to bed and slip away; never to return. I dont want any afterlife. I dont want a Heaven or a Hell waiting for me. The idea of Heaven is just as scary to me as the idea of a Hell, and frankly, I think I may be a little more comfortable in hell. At least it more closely resembles the world we all live in, and therefore is more familiar and all that prototypical cliche bullshit.
No, I just want to go to bed tonight and leave.

And I hate it when people ask me, "Are you okay?" I give them the obligatory smile and say, "yeah, I'm fine!" This is something they may or may not buy. I dont care whether they buy it or not. Me saying, "Yeah, Im fine" is just a nicer way of saying, "Butt the fuck out." Am I okay? No, Im not okay! I havent been "okay" for over a year now. What the hell kind of "okay" person wakes up to see the sun shining, and already feels miserable because he didnt die in his sleep? Yeah, Im just fine. Just get the fuck out of my business you nosy little shits and leave me alone.

I think the worst thing as of late, the thing that really puts a knife into me, is that I had to hurt someone that I really care a lot about. I was opening myself up to this person and he was slowly opening to me, and everything was really nice. Then, out of the blue for him, I had to cut him out. It was entirely unexpected for him and the response I received was unbelievable. Even when responding to me telling him things had to end, he said all the god damned perfect things. It was the most bitter moment of my life when I had to tell him things were over. I very much wish things could have been different, but there isnt a lot either one of us can do to help that. I introduced some more pain to the life of someone that seriously did not need any more; and I did it without warning and decisively. No one deserved it less, and I will spend the rest of my days wondering. What's he up to? How is he doing? Could it have worked?

What pathetic little meaningless lives we all lead. Most of us, locked in the chains of status quo, dont give it too much serious thought because to do so would be egoistic and intellectual suicide--not to mention the bright glare of morality highlighting the flawed natures of our hedonistic depravities. So, little Timmy is going to grow up and be stuck in middle management all his life; fucking around on his spouse from time to time, going through a midlife crisis about a decade before retiring, then in retirement, golfing his life away because now he has "earned" a little "R&R." Fuck you Timmy and all the others like you. Fuck all you non-thinking capitalistic gears out there that drive the system. Fuck all you for your part in the repression of millions worldwide. Fuck you all for your part in the repression of thousands at home. Fuck you all because you're upper-middle-class trash and just as worthless as an earthworm on the sidewalk on a rainy day. If you disappear, there are thousands more waiting in line to take your place. The saddest part is that you dont even fucking realize how worhtless you have made yourself and how much you have contributed to a system that works only to make you a high paid materialistic whore.

And then, while Im at it, Fuck everyone else too.