Do you think its possible to lie to yourself so convincingly that you believe the lie? Is it a matter of passion, or is it a matter of time, or a mixture of both of these required to delude oneself into thinking the untrue? No one is a master more than I at extreme self-deception. I am a rational man. I am capable of logical argumentation. I am familiar with all of the informal and formal fallacies of thought and discourse. However, I refuse consistently to apply that scalpel to my own mind, preferring instead to use it on others.

Yes, of course this sounds like all that pop-psychology crap that people are so tired of hearing. I sound like I have made a very inconspicuous and anti-climactic discovery......people dont like serious introspection. Well, its a bittersweet discovery for me. Im not saying its earth shattering or groundbreaking or applying to it any other adjective you may find on the nightly news. Its bittersweet. I admitted much to myself today that I was not willing to admit before. Now, I am scared because it has lead me down a new road and taken me to a new city.....hell a new god damned country for Christsake. A foreign land where no one speaks my language and everyone drives on the "wrong" side of the road.

And in this perhaps I am completely boring. Yeah, I think thats the case. Im boring and normal because I, like everyone else, am scared of what is deep within me, hidden for so long and now newly revealed. But, how am I to make any progress if I first do not make myself vulnerable? Sure, I am affiable and perhaps sometimes witty on the exterior. I am only using contrived smiles, practiced gestures, and sarcasm to cover up the seriously fucked up things in my head that have been incessantly trying to break down the walls of my ego so that they can too be exposed. Hey, its alright. Just like the production team of a play wants thier names on the bill, my inner secrets now want thiers. Damn if its not about time they have had it.

Now you may be thinking--and this assumes anyone is actually reading this, "Hey, thats great. Honesty with yourself and others for once...but you are using vague sweeping terms and not being too specific." To that I say, you're right. You are totally right. This is personal. Its for me. I share with you the general blueprint but the nature of the wiring and plumbing is my knowledge alone. Be satisfied with that, and you make great headway when dealing with me. It shows patience, willingness, and desire to know more. Ultimately, doesnt everyone want someone else to be interested in them?

However, I am getting ahead of myself here. What is important is the signifigance of this event, where the hole in my ego's wall was made, and the pent up things came pouring out. Its scary. It feels strange and maybe even good. I dont know. I havent been in this place before. I have yet to decide. But I do know it is undeniable progress, and no one needs serious progress more than I.