For the last three or so weeks, I have been doing something very uncharacteristic for me. I have been waking up in the morning, and saying out loud, "fuck." Literally, its the first thing that comes to my mind. Another day is here. Another shitty god damned day where I have no one I can count on and no one counts on me.
I have never in my life so badly wanted to just go to sleep one night and not have to wake up. I dont want to dream, I dont want to say goodbye to anyone, I dont want any of that crap. I want to just to to bed and slip away; never to return. I dont want any afterlife. I dont want a Heaven or a Hell waiting for me. The idea of Heaven is just as scary to me as the idea of a Hell, and frankly, I think I may be a little more comfortable in hell. At least it more closely resembles the world we all live in, and therefore is more familiar and all that prototypical cliche bullshit.
No, I just want to go to bed tonight and leave.

And I hate it when people ask me, "Are you okay?" I give them the obligatory smile and say, "yeah, I'm fine!" This is something they may or may not buy. I dont care whether they buy it or not. Me saying, "Yeah, Im fine" is just a nicer way of saying, "Butt the fuck out." Am I okay? No, Im not okay! I havent been "okay" for over a year now. What the hell kind of "okay" person wakes up to see the sun shining, and already feels miserable because he didnt die in his sleep? Yeah, Im just fine. Just get the fuck out of my business you nosy little shits and leave me alone.

I think the worst thing as of late, the thing that really puts a knife into me, is that I had to hurt someone that I really care a lot about. I was opening myself up to this person and he was slowly opening to me, and everything was really nice. Then, out of the blue for him, I had to cut him out. It was entirely unexpected for him and the response I received was unbelievable. Even when responding to me telling him things had to end, he said all the god damned perfect things. It was the most bitter moment of my life when I had to tell him things were over. I very much wish things could have been different, but there isnt a lot either one of us can do to help that. I introduced some more pain to the life of someone that seriously did not need any more; and I did it without warning and decisively. No one deserved it less, and I will spend the rest of my days wondering. What's he up to? How is he doing? Could it have worked?

What pathetic little meaningless lives we all lead. Most of us, locked in the chains of status quo, dont give it too much serious thought because to do so would be egoistic and intellectual suicide--not to mention the bright glare of morality highlighting the flawed natures of our hedonistic depravities. So, little Timmy is going to grow up and be stuck in middle management all his life; fucking around on his spouse from time to time, going through a midlife crisis about a decade before retiring, then in retirement, golfing his life away because now he has "earned" a little "R&R." Fuck you Timmy and all the others like you. Fuck all you non-thinking capitalistic gears out there that drive the system. Fuck all you for your part in the repression of millions worldwide. Fuck you all for your part in the repression of thousands at home. Fuck you all because you're upper-middle-class trash and just as worthless as an earthworm on the sidewalk on a rainy day. If you disappear, there are thousands more waiting in line to take your place. The saddest part is that you dont even fucking realize how worhtless you have made yourself and how much you have contributed to a system that works only to make you a high paid materialistic whore.

And then, while Im at it, Fuck everyone else too.